Rani licked Clyde's lollipop.
"Yum! Chocolate flavour!" Rani grinned, taking another lick.
"Yeah it's great, isn't it?" Sarah Jane had a taste.
"Mum, I want a go!" Luke squealed, sounding a lot like Maria.
Sarah Jane was turned on by this.
"I want some more!" Rani was hungry for more. Then she took a nice big bite out of it.
"There's a nice, creamy centre inside." Clyde told him, offering them some more.
The creamy centre exploded all over Rani's face.
"That's not fair." Luke moaned.
"Don't worry Luke, I have lots, especially for you." Sarah Jane said, offering her package.
The End.
Has-Been Girls
Sarah Jane: She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Maria Jackson. We were best friends in a year ago. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then after the whole Sontaran incident, I got closer to Clyde who was totally gorgeous, and Maria was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Clyde, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all OAP girls pool party, I was like, "Maria, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be old women there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? She was a lesbian. So then her dad called me and started yelling at me, it was so retarded. And then she left and went to America because no one would talk to her, and she came back over for her mum's wedding, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on Rakweed.
2 Girls, 1 Horse
"Martha? Oh Martha!"
Martha appeared from the closet, dressed in a black PVC suit, showing off her abs and curvalicious bum.
"Yes, Rose?"
Rose was dressed in a Little Bo Peep costume, complete with sheep.
"That doesn't work."
"What do you mean?"
"The sheep."
"The sheep?"
"Er yeah, why do you have sheep?"
"I'm Little Bo Peep!"
"You've lost your sheep!"
"Oh."
"Idiot.
"Hey! At least I don't look like a Catwoman reject."
"Oh come on, you're an old woman who looks after sheep. Don't be calling me a reject."
"NEIGHHHHH!" Neighed Arthur, impatiently.
"Shut up!" Rose insisted.
"No! Just because YOU can't look sexy doesn't mean I have to miss out on some horse-y love." Martha spat.
"Neigh!" Winked Arthur.
Martha leaned over and rubbed his long, fraying tail. Arthur neighed again.
"Ooh what is that lovely smell?" Martha playfully laughed.
Plop.
The End.
Martha appeared from the closet, dressed in a black PVC suit, showing off her abs and curvalicious bum.
"Yes, Rose?"
Rose was dressed in a Little Bo Peep costume, complete with sheep.
"That doesn't work."
"What do you mean?"
"The sheep."
"The sheep?"
"Er yeah, why do you have sheep?"
"I'm Little Bo Peep!"
"You've lost your sheep!"
"Oh."
"Idiot.
"Hey! At least I don't look like a Catwoman reject."
"Oh come on, you're an old woman who looks after sheep. Don't be calling me a reject."
"NEIGHHHHH!" Neighed Arthur, impatiently.
"Shut up!" Rose insisted.
"No! Just because YOU can't look sexy doesn't mean I have to miss out on some horse-y love." Martha spat.
"Neigh!" Winked Arthur.
Martha leaned over and rubbed his long, fraying tail. Arthur neighed again.
"Ooh what is that lovely smell?" Martha playfully laughed.
Plop.
The End.
Desperately Seeking Bea Nelson-Stanley - Part One
It was quite hot and Sarah Jane was all alone with Bea. She saw Bea's old, white hair and longed to run her hands through it. Then she blushed as she stared at Bea's skin. Oh it was so wrinkly and bumpy, full of liver spots and random bits of fluff.
Sarah Jane licked her lips at the thought.
Bea croaked and looked back at Sarah Jane, smiling. "I know what you are thinking." She murmured, "Those pesky potato-headed Sontarans wanted some of this too." She undid her Marks & Spencers' cardigan to show Sarah Jane what she was talking about. Sarah Jane's eyes widened at the sight before her.
Sarah Jane made the first move. Her hands brushed across Bea's dentures. A sizzling thrill raced down Sarah Jane's body and ended at her hips. Bea returned the favour by licking Sarah Jane's left earlobe. Sarah Jane went in full force and shoved her hungry face in between Bea's doilies.
Suddenly, the door crashed open and a police officer stood there, amazed. "What the hell is this?!" He squealed. trying to pretend he wasn't turned on by it.
Bea stood back and muttered, "I don't know."
And as Sarah Jane wiped the cobwebs away from her mouth, the policeman arrested her... and through the window, Maria Jackson chuckled...
TO BE CONTINUED!!
Sarah Jane licked her lips at the thought.
Bea croaked and looked back at Sarah Jane, smiling. "I know what you are thinking." She murmured, "Those pesky potato-headed Sontarans wanted some of this too." She undid her Marks & Spencers' cardigan to show Sarah Jane what she was talking about. Sarah Jane's eyes widened at the sight before her.
Sarah Jane made the first move. Her hands brushed across Bea's dentures. A sizzling thrill raced down Sarah Jane's body and ended at her hips. Bea returned the favour by licking Sarah Jane's left earlobe. Sarah Jane went in full force and shoved her hungry face in between Bea's doilies.
Suddenly, the door crashed open and a police officer stood there, amazed. "What the hell is this?!" He squealed. trying to pretend he wasn't turned on by it.
Bea stood back and muttered, "I don't know."
And as Sarah Jane wiped the cobwebs away from her mouth, the policeman arrested her... and through the window, Maria Jackson chuckled...
TO BE CONTINUED!!
Whatever Happened to Clarah Jane?
INT. SARAH JANE'S HOUSE
SARAH JANE
Omg Clyde that was amazing!
CLYDE
I know right.
SARAH JANE
No I mean seriously! Where did you learn all that?!
FLASHBACK: CLYDE and MARIA are at a desk.
MARIA
So this is Number 7.
CLYDE
7?!
MARIA
Yeah.
CLYDE
7?!?!?!
MARIA
I thought it was obvious.
CLYDE
Oh, I'm looking at it upside down.
MARIA
No, you're not.
CLYDE
Ew, who's is that big?!
MARIA
Hey!
CLYDE
Excuse me, while I puke.
MARIA
Twat.
CLYDE
Wideset.
END OF FLASHBACK.
SARAH JANE
Quick, let's clean up before Luke gets back.
CLYDE
Boy, we're gonna need a huge mop for that!
SARAH JANE
Oh come on, I can make more than that.
CLYDE and SARAH JANE look at one white droplet on the floor.
The door opens. LUKE enters.
LUKE
What the hell?! (shielding eyes)
SARAH JANE and CLYDE desperately try to put their clothes back on.
CLYDE
Hey hey! Luke ma man! We were just er..
SARAH JANE
Sorry Luke. We were making love.
LUKE
EW! I thought you were teaching him about sexual education, like you did to me.
SARAH JANE
That would have been a better explanation...
CLYDE
Er what?
LUKE
What?
SARAH JANE
What??
CLYDE
You teach him Sex Ed?
SARAH JANE
Yeah...
CLYDE
You said I was the only man for you!
LUKE
That's a lie! Mum said I was the only man for her!
CLYDE
Ha ha ha.
LUKE
What? Can't take it that I have perfect genitalia?
CLYDE
Maria has bigger genitalia than you.
MARIA (background)
I heard that!!
CLYDE
What the hell are you doing Maria?
MARIA comes out behind the sofa with a stick.
MARIA
Sorry, Sarah Jane.
SARAH JANE
I am fed up with you!
MARIA
Me?
SARAH JANE
Yes you! Everywhere I go, you are ALWAYS there, either with your stick or your dad. You are SO annoying!
MARIA
(crying)
Waaa! I'm so sorry Sarah Jane I promise I love you I'm so sorry don't let me go I love you no please Sarah Jane let's go and do it again, please!
CLYDE
What?!
SARAH JANE
Er...
CLYDE
You've been three-timing me?
SARAH JANE
I can explain!
CLYDE
I don't wanna hear it. (Leaves.)
(beat)
LUKE
Mum, I'm hungry.
SARAH JANE
(unbuttoning shirt)
Ugh, fine. But quickly though, Maria wants a go too.
MARIA
Yay! (licks lips)
THE END.
Slowly Free Me: Mr Smith/Wormwood/Containment Field
Mr Smith did as he was told and put a containment field around Mrs Wormwood. Oh how he liked trapping people and watching them suffer. Back when he was a proper Xylok, he was the pimp master of BDSM. Oh yes, he loved watching Mrs Wormwood try to touch the containment field. He liked her distress.
"Release me!" Mrs Wormwood sang, like a cat being raped by a Dalek.
The containment field orgasmed at the touch of Mrs Wormwood's oily fingertips. Mr Smith liked how the containment field felt.
"This is orgasmically interesting." He commented.
"Oh Mr Smith." Mrs Wormwood began to cry.
La la la.
"Release me!" Mrs Wormwood sang, like a cat being raped by a Dalek.
The containment field orgasmed at the touch of Mrs Wormwood's oily fingertips. Mr Smith liked how the containment field felt.
"This is orgasmically interesting." He commented.
"Oh Mr Smith." Mrs Wormwood began to cry.
La la la.
Mushy Mash Mosh: Maria/Luke
"Oh Luke, I've spilt mushy peas all over myself." Maria gasped, seductively, vogue-ing her bosoms to identify the problem.
"Er..." Luke was unsure of what to do! Clyde had told him to touch them, but Sarah Jane always told him to respect a woman's Ferrero Rochers. Instead, he trusted his natural, Bane, instincts and leapt forward - tongue out.
"Luke, what the hell?!" Maria stepped back in shock, "What is wrong with you?!"
"I wasn't sure on what to do." Luke looked upset. Maria liked it when Luke was upset.
"Oh, I'm sorry Luke..." Maria put her arm around his head and brought it closer to her voluptuous chest. "There, there..." She patted him on the head, waiting patiently for him to make the next move.
Luke did nothing.
"Oh for heaven's sake, Luke!" Maria moaned, and ripped off her top. "Happy?!"
"Wow." Luke turned his head sideways and watched inquisitively. He reached out to touch the left one to see what it felt like.
"Have you never seen a pair before?!" Maria whined, huffing impatiently.
"No... well I've only ever seen Sarah Jane's. But they're are different. Hers are like teabags. Yours are like... watermelons..." Luke smiled.
Maria was getting so excited!
From the distance, Sarah Jane watched in horror and scowled.
"Bitch."
She ran to Mr Smith, and putting back on her knickers, asked him to do something.
"I need you to fake a letter. Address it to Alan Jackson across the road... from America."
Sarah Jane cackled loudly and rubbed her tummy. She was getting Luke back...
"Er..." Luke was unsure of what to do! Clyde had told him to touch them, but Sarah Jane always told him to respect a woman's Ferrero Rochers. Instead, he trusted his natural, Bane, instincts and leapt forward - tongue out.
"Luke, what the hell?!" Maria stepped back in shock, "What is wrong with you?!"
"I wasn't sure on what to do." Luke looked upset. Maria liked it when Luke was upset.
"Oh, I'm sorry Luke..." Maria put her arm around his head and brought it closer to her voluptuous chest. "There, there..." She patted him on the head, waiting patiently for him to make the next move.
Luke did nothing.
"Oh for heaven's sake, Luke!" Maria moaned, and ripped off her top. "Happy?!"
"Wow." Luke turned his head sideways and watched inquisitively. He reached out to touch the left one to see what it felt like.
"Have you never seen a pair before?!" Maria whined, huffing impatiently.
"No... well I've only ever seen Sarah Jane's. But they're are different. Hers are like teabags. Yours are like... watermelons..." Luke smiled.
Maria was getting so excited!
From the distance, Sarah Jane watched in horror and scowled.
"Bitch."
She ran to Mr Smith, and putting back on her knickers, asked him to do something.
"I need you to fake a letter. Address it to Alan Jackson across the road... from America."
Sarah Jane cackled loudly and rubbed her tummy. She was getting Luke back...
The Beginning of Ruke?!!
Rani: So... Luke... Lukety Luke... Lukey Boy...
Luke: Yes?
Rani: The door's closed....
Luke: Yes?
Rani: And there's nobody else here....
Luke: Yes?
Rani: And it's just you and me....
Luke: Incorrect. Mr Smith is here too.
Rani: *removing top* I don't give a damn about Mr Smith. All I want for Christmas *she drags her finger across Luke's face* is *touches his nose* you.
Luke: Is that possible?
Rani: *frustrated* What the hell Luke?!
Luke: Hell is traditionally believed to be the place of suffering and punishment in the afterlife, often in the underworld. Religions with a linear divine history often depict Hell as endless. Religions with a cyclic history often depict Hell as an intermediary period between incarnations-
Rani: Oh yeah! I like it like that! Do it like that!
Luke: *smiling* In Christianity and Islam, Hell is traditionally depicted as fiery and painful, inflicting guilt and suffering. Some other traditions, however, portray Hell as cold and gloomy. Despite the common depictions of Hell as a fire, Dante's Inferno portrays the innermost (9th) circle of Hell as a frozen lake of blood and guilt. Hell is often portrayed as populated with demons, who torment the damned. Many are ruled by a death god, such as Nergal or the Christian Satan.
Rani: Oh yes, Luke, OH YES! Do it more! More!
*Three hours later....*
Luke: Piers Anthony in his series Incarnations of Immortality portrays examples of Heaven and Hell via -
Rani: I think I've menopaused.
Luke: Menopausing is the period-
Rani: ARGHHH!!!!!! *runs out room*
Mr Smith: Luke. Please continue. Oh yes. Luke. Please continue. Please continue. Please enter your USB stick into my socket.
Luke: =O
Heil, Sarah! (part 1)
Sarah Jane ran her fingers along her gun. She loved the cold, metallic feeling of it as she recalled her adventures with the Nazis in the past. It was inbetween one of her adventures with the Doctor, when she decided to drug the Doctor and so she took control of the TARDIS and sent herself to World War II, where she trained as a Nazi and bore many children (8, in fact) and was given a gold star which she cherished forever. She then remembered sodomizing the Doctor and anti-drugging him, pretending that he had fallen asleep.
Ah, the good old times.
Suddenly, the door whammed open and in stepped Luke with a mug of tea for his mom. Sarah quickly put the gun away into the drawer and slammed it shut.
"What was that?" Luke asked, giving the mug to Sarah.
"Oh, just that Kalenite steel. It was energising and it needs darkness to do it."
"Oh, cool." Luke waved goodbye and went off to Rani's house opposite. As he exited the house, Sarah Jane called for Mr Smith as she stripped bare.
Mr Smith appeared with a fanfare and a monotonic greeting, "How may I help you, Sarah Jane?"
Sarah Jane stood there naked as she put on her new clothing, "Locate the kids. I want them dead."
"I'm... sorry?!" Mr Smith, for the first time ever, displayed emotion. Maybe it was because Sarah Jane was naked in front of him. Y'know, naked. Wrinkles. Boobies. Wrinkles. Hair.
"I want them dead!" She screamed, slipping into her khaki suit and donning her red cap.
"O-okay," Mr Smith stuttered, as the screen read 'DEATH RAY SENT'. A few screams came from outside.
"And now I want their bodies," She grinned, applying her black lipstick and plastering a swastika on her cheeks. "And now, we shall rule the world again!"
Mr Smith screamed...
Ah, the good old times.
Suddenly, the door whammed open and in stepped Luke with a mug of tea for his mom. Sarah quickly put the gun away into the drawer and slammed it shut.
"What was that?" Luke asked, giving the mug to Sarah.
"Oh, just that Kalenite steel. It was energising and it needs darkness to do it."
"Oh, cool." Luke waved goodbye and went off to Rani's house opposite. As he exited the house, Sarah Jane called for Mr Smith as she stripped bare.
Mr Smith appeared with a fanfare and a monotonic greeting, "How may I help you, Sarah Jane?"
Sarah Jane stood there naked as she put on her new clothing, "Locate the kids. I want them dead."
"I'm... sorry?!" Mr Smith, for the first time ever, displayed emotion. Maybe it was because Sarah Jane was naked in front of him. Y'know, naked. Wrinkles. Boobies. Wrinkles. Hair.
"I want them dead!" She screamed, slipping into her khaki suit and donning her red cap.
"O-okay," Mr Smith stuttered, as the screen read 'DEATH RAY SENT'. A few screams came from outside.
"And now I want their bodies," She grinned, applying her black lipstick and plastering a swastika on her cheeks. "And now, we shall rule the world again!"
Mr Smith screamed...
The Mothers Meet...
INT. Francine's kitchen
FRANCINE
You must be Jackie - Rose's mum?
JACKIE
Yes, that's me. Just came back from a spot of shopping.
FRANCINE (mumbling)
I'm surprised you can even afford anything...
JACKIE
Excuse me?!
FRANCINE
I said that I was surprised that the shopping centre even sold anything... erm,... after the plastic doll incident?
JACKIE
The-? Oh... the Auton incident from Rose. Yeah. I totally remember. I was there.
FRANCINE
I knew it.
JACKIE
I'm sorry?
FRANCINE
Ooh? Is that the doorbell? I'll just go and check.
SYLVIA
Hello there! I've brought some food.
FRANCINE
Yeah... obviously...
JACKIE
Stop slagging her off!
FRANCINE
I have an announcement to make... Chavvymom, Broadbacktart... siddown.
(They sit down.)
(cont.) Martha has been really upset over the past few days.
JACKIE
Ooh, I wonder why...
FRANCINE
She's been bullied by you lot! Donna and Rose, the lezzie couple! All set for love and romance together and WHO gets left out?!
SYLVIA
Ah I see... you're talking about Wilf. I've told him that-
FRANCINE
No! You stupid tart! I'm talking about my daughter!
JACKIE
Who's that then? Miss Bitch's Daughter 09?
FRANCINE
Shaddap you lycra queen.
SYLVIA
That is no way to speak to a woman who is trying the best she can to fit into life!
JACKIE
What?!
SYLVIA
You are obviously poor, but I just think that I admire your... aspiration.
JACKIE
My sweat?
FRANCINE
See what I mean?
SYLVIA
Yeah... Jackie, do you own a washing machine, or is it a frequent trip to the laudrette?
JACKIE
At least my daughter ain't a MAN!
ALL gasp.
FRANCINE
OMG LOLz!
JACKIE
Uh-huh! She came round my estate, prancing about with her bits hanging out. God knows who could have been watching. I bet there are pictures all over OMG! magazine now. Dumb ginger tart. And her boyfriend! Well, not a boyfriend, her girlfriend... erm... Miss Foster was it? That woman off that TV show... yeah, she goes around kissing her at bus stops and making out on the train. God knows what the hell could have happened if she-
SYLVIA slaps JACKIE!
SYLVIA
You deserve that you bitch!
FRANCINE
How dare you slap someone in MY kitchen?! TOASTER! I SUMMON YOU!
FX: Her toaster switches on and zooms into Sylvia, knocking her out.
(cont.) Good job, Toaster! Till next time!
FX: The toaster zooms back in place and switched off.
(cont.) Now, they're both out... I have some work to do... *takes out stick*
Muahahahaa!!!
FRANCINE
You must be Jackie - Rose's mum?
JACKIE
Yes, that's me. Just came back from a spot of shopping.
FRANCINE (mumbling)
I'm surprised you can even afford anything...
JACKIE
Excuse me?!
FRANCINE
I said that I was surprised that the shopping centre even sold anything... erm,... after the plastic doll incident?
JACKIE
The-? Oh... the Auton incident from Rose. Yeah. I totally remember. I was there.
FRANCINE
I knew it.
JACKIE
I'm sorry?
FRANCINE
Ooh? Is that the doorbell? I'll just go and check.
SYLVIA
Hello there! I've brought some food.
FRANCINE
Yeah... obviously...
JACKIE
Stop slagging her off!
FRANCINE
I have an announcement to make... Chavvymom, Broadbacktart... siddown.
(They sit down.)
(cont.) Martha has been really upset over the past few days.
JACKIE
Ooh, I wonder why...
FRANCINE
She's been bullied by you lot! Donna and Rose, the lezzie couple! All set for love and romance together and WHO gets left out?!
SYLVIA
Ah I see... you're talking about Wilf. I've told him that-
FRANCINE
No! You stupid tart! I'm talking about my daughter!
JACKIE
Who's that then? Miss Bitch's Daughter 09?
FRANCINE
Shaddap you lycra queen.
SYLVIA
That is no way to speak to a woman who is trying the best she can to fit into life!
JACKIE
What?!
SYLVIA
You are obviously poor, but I just think that I admire your... aspiration.
JACKIE
My sweat?
FRANCINE
See what I mean?
SYLVIA
Yeah... Jackie, do you own a washing machine, or is it a frequent trip to the laudrette?
JACKIE
At least my daughter ain't a MAN!
ALL gasp.
FRANCINE
OMG LOLz!
JACKIE
Uh-huh! She came round my estate, prancing about with her bits hanging out. God knows who could have been watching. I bet there are pictures all over OMG! magazine now. Dumb ginger tart. And her boyfriend! Well, not a boyfriend, her girlfriend... erm... Miss Foster was it? That woman off that TV show... yeah, she goes around kissing her at bus stops and making out on the train. God knows what the hell could have happened if she-
SYLVIA slaps JACKIE!
SYLVIA
You deserve that you bitch!
FRANCINE
How dare you slap someone in MY kitchen?! TOASTER! I SUMMON YOU!
FX: Her toaster switches on and zooms into Sylvia, knocking her out.
(cont.) Good job, Toaster! Till next time!
FX: The toaster zooms back in place and switched off.
(cont.) Now, they're both out... I have some work to do... *takes out stick*
Muahahahaa!!!
Scenes We Never Saw: Journey's End: Part 0.5
SARAH JANE
Davros... it's you!
DAVROS
Ah yes... Sarah Jane Smith... I remember when-
SARAH JANE
Shh! Don't tell them!
DAVROS
What? About the time when you came to visit the birth of the Daleks in the story Genesis of the Daleks?
SARAH JANE
DAVROS
Ah yes... Sarah Jane Smith... I remember when-
SARAH JANE
Shh! Don't tell them!
DAVROS
What? About the time when you came to visit the birth of the Daleks in the story Genesis of the Daleks?
SARAH JANE
Oh, I thought you meant something else.
DAVROS
DAVROS
And what would that be?
SARAH JANE
Our encounter previously...?
DAVROS
Ah yes... I remember quite clearly...
Flashback: INT - A house. Davros is looking through a magazine. A woman walks in, wearing a short, sparkly thing (which is apparently called clothing, but only in Slutland, I gather...)
SARAH JANE
Ah, I'm here.
DAVROS
Are you the woman I called?
SARAH JANE
Quite rightly so. I've brought my own little toys too.
DAVROS
You won't be needing them. Do your thing...
SARAH JANE
Oh yes. I will.
End of Flashback.
JACK
What the hell was that?!
SARAH JANE
Oh my word... can someone cut that out from the final broadcast please?
DAVROS
Ha ha ha... Sarah Jane... will you accompany me to destroy the world?
SARAH JANE
Our encounter previously...?
DAVROS
Ah yes... I remember quite clearly...
Flashback: INT - A house. Davros is looking through a magazine. A woman walks in, wearing a short, sparkly thing (which is apparently called clothing, but only in Slutland, I gather...)
SARAH JANE
Ah, I'm here.
DAVROS
Are you the woman I called?
SARAH JANE
Quite rightly so. I've brought my own little toys too.
DAVROS
You won't be needing them. Do your thing...
SARAH JANE
Oh yes. I will.
End of Flashback.
JACK
What the hell was that?!
SARAH JANE
Oh my word... can someone cut that out from the final broadcast please?
DAVROS
Ha ha ha... Sarah Jane... will you accompany me to destroy the world?
SARAH JANE
Er... NO!
DAVROS
Ha ha ha... You, Jack? C'mon! A cronie needs some help.
SUPREME DALEK
Then what am I for?
DAVROS
Colour.
JACK
Suree! *teleports to Davros' side*
ALL gasp.
Er... NO!
DAVROS
Ha ha ha... You, Jack? C'mon! A cronie needs some help.
SUPREME DALEK
Then what am I for?
DAVROS
Colour.
JACK
Suree! *teleports to Davros' side*
ALL gasp.
A Letter To Donna Noble
Dear Donna,
I know you must be really mad at me for doing this. And I totally understand that. But I had to tell everyone about our affair. They were all penalizing me and they made me spit it out. I had no choice but to do it. I am very sorry, Donna. I did it, and I did it without your consent. I was thinking about you the whole time and I know how hard it is for you. Very hard. And all I am asking is for your forgiveness. I spat it out, and now it's your turn to swallow the consequences and live with it. I hope I haven't put you off anything for the rest of your life... Jack already knew about us. Don't ask me how, but somehow, he saw right through me and saw what we had done together. And no, I am not talking about the lovebites, I'm talking about US!! We had a brilliant time together, but now it's all over. And that Sarah Jane Smith... remember when we met her and what we did to her?
We bullied her. We did it and she was crying at the end. And it's our fault. It's our fault that we did it to her. And Martha - poor Martha Jones. She had to take the pain that we were putting on her. I am very sorry, Donna, but I must say that you are a total twazz. You have made everyone's life a misery - with your black leather and your black whips. I hope I never see you again.
Rose xxxx
p.s. Can you gimme back my bra? The purple one with the dots in the middle? Yeah, I need it for my show tomorrah. Thnx...
Scenes We Never Saw: The Shakespeare Code
INT. Bedroom
MARTHA blows out the candle. She turns to the Doctor and puts one leg over his body.
DOCTOR
Ooh, you are a fine lady, Martha Jones.
MARTHA
Doctor... move over...
DOCTOR
Okay... ooh that is nice... ooh I'm getting a sensation in my area... ooh HARDER HARDER DO IT! MARTHA OH YES COME ON BABY GIVE IT TO ME! WOOHOO! HARDER! FASTER! OH YES! OH YES!
MARTHA (shocked)
What the hell is wrong with you?!
DOCTOR
I... I... thought you were...
MARTHA
You think I'm your slag?! Time Lord? Time pimp, more like.
DOCTOR
Hey! I grew out of that a long time ago!
MARTHA
Whaaa?
DOCTOR
Back on Gallifrey-
MARTHA
I'm sorry, what?
DOCTOR
Gallifrey. Oh, I don't tell you about that until Gridlock. But yeah, I used to run a little Gentleman's club...
MARTHA
You. Are. Disgusting!DOCTORIt paid my porn obsession!
MARTHA
What was that? Men on the other bus?
DOCTOR
Time Ladies.
MARTHA
Wipe the drool off yer face.
DOCTOR
Sorry :o
MARTHA blows out the candle. She turns to the Doctor and puts one leg over his body.
DOCTOR
Ooh, you are a fine lady, Martha Jones.
MARTHA
Doctor... move over...
DOCTOR
Okay... ooh that is nice... ooh I'm getting a sensation in my area... ooh HARDER HARDER DO IT! MARTHA OH YES COME ON BABY GIVE IT TO ME! WOOHOO! HARDER! FASTER! OH YES! OH YES!
MARTHA (shocked)
What the hell is wrong with you?!
DOCTOR
I... I... thought you were...
MARTHA
You think I'm your slag?! Time Lord? Time pimp, more like.
DOCTOR
Hey! I grew out of that a long time ago!
MARTHA
Whaaa?
DOCTOR
Back on Gallifrey-
MARTHA
I'm sorry, what?
DOCTOR
Gallifrey. Oh, I don't tell you about that until Gridlock. But yeah, I used to run a little Gentleman's club...
MARTHA
You. Are. Disgusting!DOCTORIt paid my porn obsession!
MARTHA
What was that? Men on the other bus?
DOCTOR
Time Ladies.
MARTHA
Wipe the drool off yer face.
DOCTOR
Sorry :o
Scenes We Never Saw: Journey's End: Part 2
EXT. Bad Wolf Bay
ROSE
OMG Docta you can't jusssht leave me 'ere with him!
10.5
Calm down, dear...
ROSE
No! I won't! Arghhhh! Doctaaaa!!! Come baaaaack!
DOCTOR
I'm right here.
DONNA
She's got randy syndrome.
DOCTOR
Yer-what?
DONNA
She so wants do get it off with you right now...
DOCTOR
Ooh.
10.5
Rose! Come on, let's go home...
JACKIE
Yeah, Rose, let's get something to eat.
DONNA
Where did you come from?
JACKIE
I'm her mother??
DONNA
Yeah, you look old enough to be one.
JACKIE
Shut up you tart!
DOCTOR
Jackie, you say that like Donna is a woman...
DONNA
:eek: You promised you would never tell anyone?!
10.5
That you have a giant donkey's-
DONNA
10.5's gotta winkie!
ALL gasp.
ROSE
Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!
ROSE
OMG Docta you can't jusssht leave me 'ere with him!
10.5
Calm down, dear...
ROSE
No! I won't! Arghhhh! Doctaaaa!!! Come baaaaack!
DOCTOR
I'm right here.
DONNA
She's got randy syndrome.
DOCTOR
Yer-what?
DONNA
She so wants do get it off with you right now...
DOCTOR
Ooh.
10.5
Rose! Come on, let's go home...
JACKIE
Yeah, Rose, let's get something to eat.
DONNA
Where did you come from?
JACKIE
I'm her mother??
DONNA
Yeah, you look old enough to be one.
JACKIE
Shut up you tart!
DOCTOR
Jackie, you say that like Donna is a woman...
DONNA
:eek: You promised you would never tell anyone?!
10.5
That you have a giant donkey's-
DONNA
10.5's gotta winkie!
ALL gasp.
ROSE
Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Scenes We Never Saw: Journey's End: Part 1
INT: The TARDIS
ROSE
Shho, Marshha, what did you mean when you shhaid that the Doctor... found me?
MARTHA
It's Martha. Oh and it's 'cause I was being nice... he was SO mentally heartbroken when he met me.
ROSE (taken aback)
What the hell? He was that shhhad?
MARTHA
Yeah! He was all sobby wobby waa waa, where is Rose gone... she left her dild-
ROSE
Oi! He better not have shhhown you our shhhecret shhhex-
MARTHA
He did. All of it. And the videos...
Flashback: In the TARDIS video room
MARTHA
So... this is your video collection?
THE DOCTOR
Yap! Sorry, who are you again?
MARTHA
Martha! For heaven's sake you Time Lard!
THE DOCTOR
Ah yes... the medical student... I'm the Doctor, by the way... what are you doing here again?
MARTHA *slaps the Doctor*
Get it into your dumb, puny brain that I am your companion now! Rose went ages ago! Grr!
THE DOCTOR
Oh Rose... :( ... Did I mention that this was the video we recorded after Tooth and Claw? We just met the Queen Victoria and we were so randy then... *hands the video to Martha*
MARTHA
What the flip am I meant to do with this? Watch it?
THE DOCTOR
Might give you some tips...
MARTHA
:eek:
End of Flashback
ROSE
Bloody hell! He was messshed up in the head!
MARTHA
Yeah... but at least you're gonna live with that clone dude now.
ROSE
How did you know?!
MARTHA
It's called reading the script. Did they teach you how to read in Chav School?
ROSE
Biatch! *slaps Martha*
SARAH JANE
Rose! *hugs*
MARTHA hugs Jack and everyone blah blah blah.... Martha goes outside to say goodbye, ROSE sticks her middle finger up.
ROSE
Shho, Marshha, what did you mean when you shhaid that the Doctor... found me?
MARTHA
It's Martha. Oh and it's 'cause I was being nice... he was SO mentally heartbroken when he met me.
ROSE (taken aback)
What the hell? He was that shhhad?
MARTHA
Yeah! He was all sobby wobby waa waa, where is Rose gone... she left her dild-
ROSE
Oi! He better not have shhhown you our shhhecret shhhex-
MARTHA
He did. All of it. And the videos...
Flashback: In the TARDIS video room
MARTHA
So... this is your video collection?
THE DOCTOR
Yap! Sorry, who are you again?
MARTHA
Martha! For heaven's sake you Time Lard!
THE DOCTOR
Ah yes... the medical student... I'm the Doctor, by the way... what are you doing here again?
MARTHA *slaps the Doctor*
Get it into your dumb, puny brain that I am your companion now! Rose went ages ago! Grr!
THE DOCTOR
Oh Rose... :( ... Did I mention that this was the video we recorded after Tooth and Claw? We just met the Queen Victoria and we were so randy then... *hands the video to Martha*
MARTHA
What the flip am I meant to do with this? Watch it?
THE DOCTOR
Might give you some tips...
MARTHA
:eek:
End of Flashback
ROSE
Bloody hell! He was messshed up in the head!
MARTHA
Yeah... but at least you're gonna live with that clone dude now.
ROSE
How did you know?!
MARTHA
It's called reading the script. Did they teach you how to read in Chav School?
ROSE
Biatch! *slaps Martha*
SARAH JANE
Rose! *hugs*
MARTHA hugs Jack and everyone blah blah blah.... Martha goes outside to say goodbye, ROSE sticks her middle finger up.
Martha meets River Song
MARTHA
You mean, you and the Doctor? In the future?
RIVER
Yeah! It is... well, will be, tres cool, like.
MARTHA
Okay! Don't talk to me like I'm a teenager!
RIVER
How old are you again?
MARTHA
Erm... well... Russell hasn't exactly said...
RIVER
Shush! You are not allowed to speak the name of the God here!
MARTHA
Who? Russell? What are you on about?
RIVER
Don't they teach RE in nursery these days?
MARTHA
Oh, shut it, freak!
*punches River*
THE DOCTOR
Martha! What the hell are you doing?
MARTHA
She started it!
THE DOCTOR
I'm sorry, who are you again?
MARTHA
Look at my name ^^ Martha!
THE DOCTOR
Oh right... the one who replaces Rose, even though I don't really like you/like you and then you end up leaving because Vicki says so?
MARTHA
I'm shocked.
RIVER groans.
RIVER dies. MARTHA smiles.
THE DOCTOR
Now look what you did, you silly person! What was your name again?
MARTHA
MARTHA!
THE DOCTOR
Oh! The supertemp from Chiswick? Oh no, not yet... erm... the shop assistant from Henrik's? No, not blonde enough...
MARTHA
I'm Martha Jones, the trainee Doctor from Royal Hope Hospital!!!! Get that into your Time Lord puny brain!
THE DOCTOR
Who are you again?
MARTHA
Argh! Woah...
FX: Time changes, blah blah blah, lots of fireworks, flashbacks, zoomy stuff, cheapo 70s effects...
THE DOCTOR appears with JENNY at his side.
THE DOCTOR
We're dating!
MARTHA
Yuck.
THE DOCTOR
Hey! That's no way to treat her! Is it Jenny Wenny Hunny Bunny?
JENNY
No, Daddy Waddy Doccy Woccy!
MARTHA
Yuck.
JENNY
You're just jealous!
MARTHA
Of what? The fact that they made incest legal?
THE DOCTOR
=O
You mean, you and the Doctor? In the future?
RIVER
Yeah! It is... well, will be, tres cool, like.
MARTHA
Okay! Don't talk to me like I'm a teenager!
RIVER
How old are you again?
MARTHA
Erm... well... Russell hasn't exactly said...
RIVER
Shush! You are not allowed to speak the name of the God here!
MARTHA
Who? Russell? What are you on about?
RIVER
Don't they teach RE in nursery these days?
MARTHA
Oh, shut it, freak!
*punches River*
THE DOCTOR
Martha! What the hell are you doing?
MARTHA
She started it!
THE DOCTOR
I'm sorry, who are you again?
MARTHA
Look at my name ^^ Martha!
THE DOCTOR
Oh right... the one who replaces Rose, even though I don't really like you/like you and then you end up leaving because Vicki says so?
MARTHA
I'm shocked.
RIVER groans.
RIVER dies. MARTHA smiles.
THE DOCTOR
Now look what you did, you silly person! What was your name again?
MARTHA
MARTHA!
THE DOCTOR
Oh! The supertemp from Chiswick? Oh no, not yet... erm... the shop assistant from Henrik's? No, not blonde enough...
MARTHA
I'm Martha Jones, the trainee Doctor from Royal Hope Hospital!!!! Get that into your Time Lord puny brain!
THE DOCTOR
Who are you again?
MARTHA
Argh! Woah...
FX: Time changes, blah blah blah, lots of fireworks, flashbacks, zoomy stuff, cheapo 70s effects...
THE DOCTOR appears with JENNY at his side.
THE DOCTOR
We're dating!
MARTHA
Yuck.
THE DOCTOR
Hey! That's no way to treat her! Is it Jenny Wenny Hunny Bunny?
JENNY
No, Daddy Waddy Doccy Woccy!
MARTHA
Yuck.
JENNY
You're just jealous!
MARTHA
Of what? The fact that they made incest legal?
THE DOCTOR
=O
What If... the Doctor dies like this?
THE DOCTOR
No, no, Rose, Just stay calm.
ROSE
Sorry Doctor. You were never good enough in bed.
(Shoots the Doctor)
The Doctor falls onto the ground in pain.
DONNA
You go girlfriend!
MARTHA
Erm, Donna babs, that's sooo lez!
DONNA
Ew! How dare you! Callin' me a lez? Did you see your jacket in Series Three?
ROSE
Don't diss the jacks! I have a purple one and you got that tan one.
MARTHA
Yeah, Donna, don't diss the jacks!
THE DOCTOR groans
ROSE
Shut up, Time Lard!
MARTHA
Yeah! He deserved that for the whole bastardo way he treated me in Series Three.
DONNA
I know! And he is so uber alien martian pervy the way he made me half of him! Why would I want some messed up Gallibrainian body part?
ROSE
Oh, I've seen them and they are sooo not 10 inch.
MARTHA
Well, I'm happy to know that I failed in doing so.
DONNA
Oh come on! You didn't really want to!
MARTHA
The Shakespeare Code - after I blew out the candle?
ROSE
I cry for your gain.
MARTHA
You mean loss.
ROSE
No, seriously, there was nothing there.
DONNA
Ew! And that Sarah Bane Jane was with him when he was younger, right?
MARTHA & ROSE
Perv!
ROSE
Lulz, GMTA, dudie!
DONNA
And he was such a perv, like, she touched this hand...
ALL
Ewwwww!
MARTHA
And didn't he have a ... male companion?
ROSE
Yeah! Like three times!
ALL
Ewwwwww!
DONNA
What a total perv!
ROSE
Sarah Brain is an OAP anywayz lulz.
SARAH JANE
Oi! I'll have you know I'm not that old-
MARTHA
40 is like OAP, darling!
DONNA
Yeah, and I heard you do it with kids!
ALL
Ewwwwww!
ROSE
Yeah, it seems like the perviness spreads to the companions!
ALL pause for a moment.
ALL
Ewwwwwwww!
MARTHA
Donna did see him... neked
ROSE
And you were chasing around balls in that year!!
MARTHA
Racist!
DONNA
Leave her outta this, yeah? It's not her fault she only gets half the action! *chuckle*
ROSE
Do you know how annoying it is? He's like... half of everything! And he's always moaning about how he feels so bad about Martha and Donna waa waa waa
MARTHA
Seriously? When I was with him, he was all Rose Rose Rose Sob Sob Hi Martha Sob Sob Rose...
ROSE
Stupid stalking perv.
DONNA
He followed me when I went to Adipose Industries!
MARTHA
Perv!
DONNA
I know! And I was like, I am so not trying to find you! And then he-
ROSE
But... you were trying to find him!
DONNA
Oi! Don't go there!
SARAH JANE
Actually-
ROSE
Are you still here?
MARTHA
Yeah, go back to your stupid gringy attic!
DONNA
And your kids! Who are they anyway? Did you adopt them?
SARAH JANE
Actually-
DONNA
Did you find them on the street? Did you pick them up in your car?
MARTHA
Ewwwwwww!
ROSE
That's rank, man.
DONNA
Hey! I'm no man!
ROSE and MARTHA exchange glances.
DONNA
Oi! Don't do that!
ROSE
We never said anything...
MARTHA
And you are half-Doctor....
ROSE
Oh you had to say that, didn't you? Stupid Toclafane girl.
MARTHA
Shut up! Parallax Biatch!
DONNA
I am so enjoying this, where's the popcorn?
ROSE
Under your BOXERS!
DONNA
Oi!
MARTHA
Or your-
DONNA
Shut up Martha! You... you... voodoo... thing!
MARTHA
Brings back memories...
ROSE
Of what? You and the Doctor trying it on?
DONNA
Or just you trying it on?
MARTHA
Or was it you going to the GENTS' LOOS?!
ROSE
Woah, dudie, you didn't have to do that...
DONNA
I ain't bovvered. No, seriously.
MARTHA
Ginger.
DONNA
So? I'm proud of my hair! Unlike your... poxy pineapple parp!
ROSE
She spent ages on that!
DONNA
Shut it, Call Girl!
ROSE
How did you know?
MARTHA
You'd be surprised... she reads Nuts!
DONNA
You want a SLAP?!
MARTHA
With what? You gonna man-handle me?!
ROSE
Lulz, Martha, I didn't know you had it in you!
MARTHA
I know! I must've developed it when I was stranded on Earth for a whole year...
ROSE
Must've been hard!
MARTHA
You kidding? Stupid pervy Doctor.
DONNA
I heard he became, like, 900 years old.
ROSE
I bet he looked older than Sarah Mary Lulu!
MARTHA
Isn't it Sarah Jane?
SARAH JANE
Yes, thank you Martha!
MARTHA
Shut up OAP-gal, I ain't talking to you after those people wrote that Martha/SJ femslash fic!
SARAH JANE
Oooh....
ALL
Ewwwwww!
ROSE
Anyway, who made the Doctor all... wrinkly?
MASTER
That was me! *randomness*
DONNA
Nice hair!
MASTER
Who wants to have a girls night out!!!!
DONNA/MARTHA/ROSE
I do!!!
[Just Dance plays in the background]
MASTER
Should...we...dance?
SARAH JANE
Can I join in?
MARTHA
You still here?!!!
SARAH JANE
I lost my zimmer frame!
ROSE
Aww... you can borrow Donna's mum's.
DONNA
Eeek! You meanie! Unlike your mom, 'cause she's had her tenth child, innit?
MARTHA
Really? That is sooo rank!
ROSE
And what about your mom and her toaster?! Hmmm?!! Femslash!
DONNA
More like... eleccyfrannyslash!
ROSE
Ha ha LOL!
MARTHA
And we all know that Donna would just LOVE that...
DONNA
Oi! Not that again!
ROSE
Martha you mean gal!
SARAH JANE
Does anyone have any-
ROSE
Shut it! OAP!
DONNA
Yeah, get your kiddies to help ya!
MARTHA
Oooh! Latex!
THE END.
THE DOCTOR
Hi guys! I've regenerated! I now have an 11-inch!
ROSE
Yeah?
*snogs*
MARTHA
Hey! Me first! That's so not fair!
DONNA
Whaddya mean?
MARTHA
She had 9 and 10 and then she came back for 10!
DONNA
Came?
ROSE
Only you would do that...
MARTHA
That's a lezzie thing to say.
ROSE
And only you would say that!
DONNA
Shut up, Call Girl!
ROSE
OMG you pervy cow! Have you been looking me up?!
MARTHA
Yeah, did you come to her house? Hahahahahah!
ROSE & DONNA
Ew, Marthz. That is soo rank lulz dudie.
MARTHA
Oh
ROSE
C'mon Don-Donz let's ditch Marfa.
DONNA
Yeah! See ya Marfy! Have fun with the OAP!
SARAH JANE grabs broken zimmer frame and whacks it on DONNA's head.
MARTHA
You go... girl! Lady! Woman! Erm... Madam!
SARAH JANE gives her evils.
ROSE
Oi! OAP! Whaddya do thar for?
SARAH JANE whacks the zimmer frame on ROSE's head.
MARTHA
Woah...
SARAH JANE
Just you and me now!
No, no, Rose, Just stay calm.
ROSE
Sorry Doctor. You were never good enough in bed.
(Shoots the Doctor)
The Doctor falls onto the ground in pain.
DONNA
You go girlfriend!
MARTHA
Erm, Donna babs, that's sooo lez!
DONNA
Ew! How dare you! Callin' me a lez? Did you see your jacket in Series Three?
ROSE
Don't diss the jacks! I have a purple one and you got that tan one.
MARTHA
Yeah, Donna, don't diss the jacks!
THE DOCTOR groans
ROSE
Shut up, Time Lard!
MARTHA
Yeah! He deserved that for the whole bastardo way he treated me in Series Three.
DONNA
I know! And he is so uber alien martian pervy the way he made me half of him! Why would I want some messed up Gallibrainian body part?
ROSE
Oh, I've seen them and they are sooo not 10 inch.
MARTHA
Well, I'm happy to know that I failed in doing so.
DONNA
Oh come on! You didn't really want to!
MARTHA
The Shakespeare Code - after I blew out the candle?
ROSE
I cry for your gain.
MARTHA
You mean loss.
ROSE
No, seriously, there was nothing there.
DONNA
Ew! And that Sarah Bane Jane was with him when he was younger, right?
MARTHA & ROSE
Perv!
ROSE
Lulz, GMTA, dudie!
DONNA
And he was such a perv, like, she touched this hand...
ALL
Ewwwww!
MARTHA
And didn't he have a ... male companion?
ROSE
Yeah! Like three times!
ALL
Ewwwwww!
DONNA
What a total perv!
ROSE
Sarah Brain is an OAP anywayz lulz.
SARAH JANE
Oi! I'll have you know I'm not that old-
MARTHA
40 is like OAP, darling!
DONNA
Yeah, and I heard you do it with kids!
ALL
Ewwwwww!
ROSE
Yeah, it seems like the perviness spreads to the companions!
ALL pause for a moment.
ALL
Ewwwwwwww!
MARTHA
Donna did see him... neked
ROSE
And you were chasing around balls in that year!!
MARTHA
Racist!
DONNA
Leave her outta this, yeah? It's not her fault she only gets half the action! *chuckle*
ROSE
Do you know how annoying it is? He's like... half of everything! And he's always moaning about how he feels so bad about Martha and Donna waa waa waa
MARTHA
Seriously? When I was with him, he was all Rose Rose Rose Sob Sob Hi Martha Sob Sob Rose...
ROSE
Stupid stalking perv.
DONNA
He followed me when I went to Adipose Industries!
MARTHA
Perv!
DONNA
I know! And I was like, I am so not trying to find you! And then he-
ROSE
But... you were trying to find him!
DONNA
Oi! Don't go there!
SARAH JANE
Actually-
ROSE
Are you still here?
MARTHA
Yeah, go back to your stupid gringy attic!
DONNA
And your kids! Who are they anyway? Did you adopt them?
SARAH JANE
Actually-
DONNA
Did you find them on the street? Did you pick them up in your car?
MARTHA
Ewwwwwww!
ROSE
That's rank, man.
DONNA
Hey! I'm no man!
ROSE and MARTHA exchange glances.
DONNA
Oi! Don't do that!
ROSE
We never said anything...
MARTHA
And you are half-Doctor....
ROSE
Oh you had to say that, didn't you? Stupid Toclafane girl.
MARTHA
Shut up! Parallax Biatch!
DONNA
I am so enjoying this, where's the popcorn?
ROSE
Under your BOXERS!
DONNA
Oi!
MARTHA
Or your-
DONNA
Shut up Martha! You... you... voodoo... thing!
MARTHA
Brings back memories...
ROSE
Of what? You and the Doctor trying it on?
DONNA
Or just you trying it on?
MARTHA
Or was it you going to the GENTS' LOOS?!
ROSE
Woah, dudie, you didn't have to do that...
DONNA
I ain't bovvered. No, seriously.
MARTHA
Ginger.
DONNA
So? I'm proud of my hair! Unlike your... poxy pineapple parp!
ROSE
She spent ages on that!
DONNA
Shut it, Call Girl!
ROSE
How did you know?
MARTHA
You'd be surprised... she reads Nuts!
DONNA
You want a SLAP?!
MARTHA
With what? You gonna man-handle me?!
ROSE
Lulz, Martha, I didn't know you had it in you!
MARTHA
I know! I must've developed it when I was stranded on Earth for a whole year...
ROSE
Must've been hard!
MARTHA
You kidding? Stupid pervy Doctor.
DONNA
I heard he became, like, 900 years old.
ROSE
I bet he looked older than Sarah Mary Lulu!
MARTHA
Isn't it Sarah Jane?
SARAH JANE
Yes, thank you Martha!
MARTHA
Shut up OAP-gal, I ain't talking to you after those people wrote that Martha/SJ femslash fic!
SARAH JANE
Oooh....
ALL
Ewwwwww!
ROSE
Anyway, who made the Doctor all... wrinkly?
MASTER
That was me! *randomness*
DONNA
Nice hair!
MASTER
Who wants to have a girls night out!!!!
DONNA/MARTHA/ROSE
I do!!!
[Just Dance plays in the background]
MASTER
Should...we...dance?
SARAH JANE
Can I join in?
MARTHA
You still here?!!!
SARAH JANE
I lost my zimmer frame!
ROSE
Aww... you can borrow Donna's mum's.
DONNA
Eeek! You meanie! Unlike your mom, 'cause she's had her tenth child, innit?
MARTHA
Really? That is sooo rank!
ROSE
And what about your mom and her toaster?! Hmmm?!! Femslash!
DONNA
More like... eleccyfrannyslash!
ROSE
Ha ha LOL!
MARTHA
And we all know that Donna would just LOVE that...
DONNA
Oi! Not that again!
ROSE
Martha you mean gal!
SARAH JANE
Does anyone have any-
ROSE
Shut it! OAP!
DONNA
Yeah, get your kiddies to help ya!
MARTHA
Oooh! Latex!
THE END.
THE DOCTOR
Hi guys! I've regenerated! I now have an 11-inch!
ROSE
Yeah?
*snogs*
MARTHA
Hey! Me first! That's so not fair!
DONNA
Whaddya mean?
MARTHA
She had 9 and 10 and then she came back for 10!
DONNA
Came?
ROSE
Only you would do that...
MARTHA
That's a lezzie thing to say.
ROSE
And only you would say that!
DONNA
Shut up, Call Girl!
ROSE
OMG you pervy cow! Have you been looking me up?!
MARTHA
Yeah, did you come to her house? Hahahahahah!
ROSE & DONNA
Ew, Marthz. That is soo rank lulz dudie.
MARTHA
Oh
ROSE
C'mon Don-Donz let's ditch Marfa.
DONNA
Yeah! See ya Marfy! Have fun with the OAP!
SARAH JANE grabs broken zimmer frame and whacks it on DONNA's head.
MARTHA
You go... girl! Lady! Woman! Erm... Madam!
SARAH JANE gives her evils.
ROSE
Oi! OAP! Whaddya do thar for?
SARAH JANE whacks the zimmer frame on ROSE's head.
MARTHA
Woah...
SARAH JANE
Just you and me now!
The Regeneration of 10
SARAH JANE
Doctor! It’s you! I’ve been waiting so long to meet you!
DOCTOR (not amused)
You only met me a few episodes ago! Remember? Davros? Caan and his Campness?
SARAH JANE
Oh yes, sorry Doctor, it’s old age y’see… memory loss and all that.
DOCTOR
C’mon Sarah! You can’t be that old! I’m ninehundredandsomethingorother… how about you?!
SARAH JANE
I’d rather not.
DONNA
Doctor… aren’t we meant to be getting back to the plot?
DOCTOR
Ah yes!
(puts on voice)
Sarah Jane! You must come! I need you to save the day!
SARAH JANE
From who?! The Sea Man Monster? (chuckles)
DONNA
That ain’t funny, wrinkles.
SARAH JANE
Pardon?
DOCTOR
Come with us, Sarah! We must defeat the return of the Davros/Master/Jenny/Silurians/Slitheen/CyberDaleks!
DONNA (mocking the Doctor)
Yeah, come with us, Sarah Jane! What is this? A Jerk Circle?
DOCTOR
Donna! This is a kid’s show!
DONNA
You put the apostrophe in the wrong place.
SARAH JANE
Pardon? Oh yes! I see! Ha ha ha!
(laughs and bares her false teeth)
DOCTOR (shielding his eyes)
Argh! They’re blinding me! They’re worse that Jack’s!
DONNA
Jack’s white teeth? I wonder what he does to them…
DOCTOR
Oi. Oh no!
(looks at hand. FX: It is glowing)
I’m *gulp* regenerating!
DONNA
How?
DOCTOR
I must’ve… looked at Sarah Jane’s teeth! Argh!
(runs inside Tardis, followed by Donna)
SARAH JANE
Pardon? You need some beef? Can you buy me a carton of milk while you’re there? Thank you!
CUT TO:
ROSE
Oh no! 10.5! 10 ish regenerating!
10.5
Stop using fanwanky nonsense, Belle! I mean, Rose!
ROSE
Shhh! Thish ish a kidsh’ shhow!
10.5
Then why was the camera set up in the bedroom? Y’know, the day when I put my-
ROSE (stopping him)
Oh no! Look! What’shh that?
FX: The TARDIS materialises, the Doctor and Donna step out. The Doctor is regnerating.
ROSE
Doctor!
10.5
What?
ROSE
No, not you! ‘im! Docta! What’sh happenin’?
DONNA
Sorry, love, what was that? You want mash? I’m not some ginger waitress! Who d’ya think I am?
ROSE
A tart.
DONNA
Don’t get me started on you!
10.5
Yeah, Rose, you might wanna look at that videotape before you call her a tart…
ROSE blushes.
ROSE
Shhhut up! Look! He’s regenerwhatshhiting!
FX: Martha appears.
ROSE
Oh Lord.
MARTHA
Doctor! What’s happening!
DONNA
Where the bloomin’ heck did you come from?
MARTHA
Plot device.
ALL
Ahh…
FX: Jack, Sarah Jane, K9, the Master, Jenny, the Daleks and Mickey appear.
ALL
Doctor!
DOCTOR
Ahhhhh!
JACK
Ahhhhh! (stops) Oh, we’re not playing that game…
DONNA
Oh no! Doctor! He’s regenerating!
MARTHA
Oh no!
TO. BE. CONTINUED.
JENNY
What don’t I even get a line?
ROSE
Ishhn’t it passht your bedtime?
JENNY
Just ’cause there’s nobody in yours…
ROSE
And who’ssshh in yourshhh then, hmm?
JENNY points at the DOCTOR.
ALL gasp.
JENNY
What?!
JACK
Nothing (grins), ever thought of … y’know… having someone else join the gang?
JENNY
I don’t understand.
DONNA
She hasn’t gotten round to English yet… they learn that next year …
JENNY
Hey! I can to speak English! I can say really rude words!
DONNA
Does Daddy let you?
JENNY
No. He says it’s very bad to say bad words and if I do, the Bogeyman might come in my bedroom at night.
MARTHA
Now that is something to be scared about.
DONNA
Who asked you?!
MARTHA
K9 did, didn’t he? K9?
K9
Affirmative!
MARTHA
Good boy! And now your treat…
K9
Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative!
Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative!
JENNY
Ohh! That’s exactly what I do with the Doctor! Cool!
DONNA
Yuck.
JENNY
Just because you haven’t done it!
DONNA
Have so.
JENNY
Oh yeah? When?
DONNA
Why should I tell you? (glances at Rose, Rose blushes)
JENNY
Ew! That’s dis- atroci- terri- yuckening!
10.5 (to Rose)
How could you betray me like that?!
ROSE
Hey! It wassh in Turn Left… and we got a little bored… the camerashh take agessh to sshet up!
10.5
You were pretty fast setting the camera up in the bedroom!
DONNA
Do you love him more than me?! Rose – answer me, now!
(b/g) DALEKS
MARTHA! YOU SHALL BE EXTERMINATED! NAUGHTY NAUGHTY GIRL! HEE HEE HAR HAR!
ROSE
I… love…
DOCTOR
Oi! This show is meant to be about me! Not your shenanigans!
DONNA, ROSE, 10.5
Sorry.
DONNA (whispering to 10.5 and Rose)
When he’s kicked it, we go out, yeah?
DOCTOR
Oh no! I’m regenerating!
ROSE
Shhhtil?
DOCTOR
Hey! If it wasn’t for my… weapon… this episode would have been finished by now!
DONNA
You mean, it’s that big?
ROSE
Yeah! Don’t tell me you haven’t seen it?
MARTHA (all hot and flustered, zipping up her overused jacket)
I have!
DOCTOR (aghast)
When?!
MARTHA
Oh, right… yeah, erm… in The Shakespeare Code.
DOCTOR
But I never even went to sleep!
MARTHA
I drugged you and did more things than you could imagine… but let’s not get into that now.
DOCTOR
Ooh.
I mean – arghh! I’m regenerating!
DONNA
GET IT OVER WITH!
(FX: The Doctor regenerates into… Matt Smith)
ALL gasp.
JACK
Wo-ah Nelly!
DONNA
We’ll leave you to it.
ALL apart from JACK and the DOCTOR teleport away.
JACK is grinning.
JENNY
Oh no! We’ve had that already! It’s the end now!
MARTHA
Where did you come from?!
JENNY
I could ask you the same!
MARTHA
Oh, I… err… Wanna make out?
JENNY
Sure!
FIN.