INT. Francine's kitchen
FRANCINE
You must be Jackie - Rose's mum?
JACKIE
Yes, that's me. Just came back from a spot of shopping.
FRANCINE (mumbling)
I'm surprised you can even afford anything...
JACKIE
Excuse me?!
FRANCINE
I said that I was surprised that the shopping centre even sold anything... erm,... after the plastic doll incident?
JACKIE
The-? Oh... the Auton incident from Rose. Yeah. I totally remember. I was there.
FRANCINE
I knew it.
JACKIE
I'm sorry?
FRANCINE
Ooh? Is that the doorbell? I'll just go and check.
SYLVIA
Hello there! I've brought some food.
FRANCINE
Yeah... obviously...
JACKIE
Stop slagging her off!
FRANCINE
I have an announcement to make... Chavvymom, Broadbacktart... siddown.
(They sit down.)
(cont.) Martha has been really upset over the past few days.
JACKIE
Ooh, I wonder why...
FRANCINE
She's been bullied by you lot! Donna and Rose, the lezzie couple! All set for love and romance together and WHO gets left out?!
SYLVIA
Ah I see... you're talking about Wilf. I've told him that-
FRANCINE
No! You stupid tart! I'm talking about my daughter!
JACKIE
Who's that then? Miss Bitch's Daughter 09?
FRANCINE
Shaddap you lycra queen.
SYLVIA
That is no way to speak to a woman who is trying the best she can to fit into life!
JACKIE
What?!
SYLVIA
You are obviously poor, but I just think that I admire your... aspiration.
JACKIE
My sweat?
FRANCINE
See what I mean?
SYLVIA
Yeah... Jackie, do you own a washing machine, or is it a frequent trip to the laudrette?
JACKIE
At least my daughter ain't a MAN!
ALL gasp.
FRANCINE
OMG LOLz!
JACKIE
Uh-huh! She came round my estate, prancing about with her bits hanging out. God knows who could have been watching. I bet there are pictures all over OMG! magazine now. Dumb ginger tart. And her boyfriend! Well, not a boyfriend, her girlfriend... erm... Miss Foster was it? That woman off that TV show... yeah, she goes around kissing her at bus stops and making out on the train. God knows what the hell could have happened if she-
SYLVIA slaps JACKIE!
SYLVIA
You deserve that you bitch!
FRANCINE
How dare you slap someone in MY kitchen?! TOASTER! I SUMMON YOU!
FX: Her toaster switches on and zooms into Sylvia, knocking her out.
(cont.) Good job, Toaster! Till next time!
FX: The toaster zooms back in place and switched off.
(cont.) Now, they're both out... I have some work to do... *takes out stick*
Muahahahaa!!!
FRANCINE
You must be Jackie - Rose's mum?
JACKIE
Yes, that's me. Just came back from a spot of shopping.
FRANCINE (mumbling)
I'm surprised you can even afford anything...
JACKIE
Excuse me?!
FRANCINE
I said that I was surprised that the shopping centre even sold anything... erm,... after the plastic doll incident?
JACKIE
The-? Oh... the Auton incident from Rose. Yeah. I totally remember. I was there.
FRANCINE
I knew it.
JACKIE
I'm sorry?
FRANCINE
Ooh? Is that the doorbell? I'll just go and check.
SYLVIA
Hello there! I've brought some food.
FRANCINE
Yeah... obviously...
JACKIE
Stop slagging her off!
FRANCINE
I have an announcement to make... Chavvymom, Broadbacktart... siddown.
(They sit down.)
(cont.) Martha has been really upset over the past few days.
JACKIE
Ooh, I wonder why...
FRANCINE
She's been bullied by you lot! Donna and Rose, the lezzie couple! All set for love and romance together and WHO gets left out?!
SYLVIA
Ah I see... you're talking about Wilf. I've told him that-
FRANCINE
No! You stupid tart! I'm talking about my daughter!
JACKIE
Who's that then? Miss Bitch's Daughter 09?
FRANCINE
Shaddap you lycra queen.
SYLVIA
That is no way to speak to a woman who is trying the best she can to fit into life!
JACKIE
What?!
SYLVIA
You are obviously poor, but I just think that I admire your... aspiration.
JACKIE
My sweat?
FRANCINE
See what I mean?
SYLVIA
Yeah... Jackie, do you own a washing machine, or is it a frequent trip to the laudrette?
JACKIE
At least my daughter ain't a MAN!
ALL gasp.
FRANCINE
OMG LOLz!
JACKIE
Uh-huh! She came round my estate, prancing about with her bits hanging out. God knows who could have been watching. I bet there are pictures all over OMG! magazine now. Dumb ginger tart. And her boyfriend! Well, not a boyfriend, her girlfriend... erm... Miss Foster was it? That woman off that TV show... yeah, she goes around kissing her at bus stops and making out on the train. God knows what the hell could have happened if she-
SYLVIA slaps JACKIE!
SYLVIA
You deserve that you bitch!
FRANCINE
How dare you slap someone in MY kitchen?! TOASTER! I SUMMON YOU!
FX: Her toaster switches on and zooms into Sylvia, knocking her out.
(cont.) Good job, Toaster! Till next time!
FX: The toaster zooms back in place and switched off.
(cont.) Now, they're both out... I have some work to do... *takes out stick*
Muahahahaa!!!
