SARAH JANE
Doctor! It’s you! I’ve been waiting so long to meet you!
DOCTOR (not amused)
You only met me a few episodes ago! Remember? Davros? Caan and his Campness?
SARAH JANE
Oh yes, sorry Doctor, it’s old age y’see… memory loss and all that.
DOCTOR
C’mon Sarah! You can’t be that old! I’m ninehundredandsomethingorother… how about you?!
SARAH JANE
I’d rather not.
DONNA
Doctor… aren’t we meant to be getting back to the plot?
DOCTOR
Ah yes!
(puts on voice)
Sarah Jane! You must come! I need you to save the day!
SARAH JANE
From who?! The Sea Man Monster? (chuckles)
DONNA
That ain’t funny, wrinkles.
SARAH JANE
Pardon?
DOCTOR
Come with us, Sarah! We must defeat the return of the Davros/Master/Jenny/Silurians/Slitheen/CyberDaleks!
DONNA (mocking the Doctor)
Yeah, come with us, Sarah Jane! What is this? A Jerk Circle?
DOCTOR
Donna! This is a kid’s show!
DONNA
You put the apostrophe in the wrong place.
SARAH JANE
Pardon? Oh yes! I see! Ha ha ha!
(laughs and bares her false teeth)
DOCTOR (shielding his eyes)
Argh! They’re blinding me! They’re worse that Jack’s!
DONNA
Jack’s white teeth? I wonder what he does to them…
DOCTOR
Oi. Oh no!
(looks at hand. FX: It is glowing)
I’m *gulp* regenerating!
DONNA
How?
DOCTOR
I must’ve… looked at Sarah Jane’s teeth! Argh!
(runs inside Tardis, followed by Donna)
SARAH JANE
Pardon? You need some beef? Can you buy me a carton of milk while you’re there? Thank you!
CUT TO:
ROSE
Oh no! 10.5! 10 ish regenerating!
10.5
Stop using fanwanky nonsense, Belle! I mean, Rose!
ROSE
Shhh! Thish ish a kidsh’ shhow!
10.5
Then why was the camera set up in the bedroom? Y’know, the day when I put my-
ROSE (stopping him)
Oh no! Look! What’shh that?
FX: The TARDIS materialises, the Doctor and Donna step out. The Doctor is regnerating.
ROSE
Doctor!
10.5
What?
ROSE
No, not you! ‘im! Docta! What’sh happenin’?
DONNA
Sorry, love, what was that? You want mash? I’m not some ginger waitress! Who d’ya think I am?
ROSE
A tart.
DONNA
Don’t get me started on you!
10.5
Yeah, Rose, you might wanna look at that videotape before you call her a tart…
ROSE blushes.
ROSE
Shhhut up! Look! He’s regenerwhatshhiting!
FX: Martha appears.
ROSE
Oh Lord.
MARTHA
Doctor! What’s happening!
DONNA
Where the bloomin’ heck did you come from?
MARTHA
Plot device.
ALL
Ahh…
FX: Jack, Sarah Jane, K9, the Master, Jenny, the Daleks and Mickey appear.
ALL
Doctor!
DOCTOR
Ahhhhh!
JACK
Ahhhhh! (stops) Oh, we’re not playing that game…
DONNA
Oh no! Doctor! He’s regenerating!
MARTHA
Oh no!
TO. BE. CONTINUED.
JENNY
What don’t I even get a line?
ROSE
Ishhn’t it passht your bedtime?
JENNY
Just ’cause there’s nobody in yours…
ROSE
And who’ssshh in yourshhh then, hmm?
JENNY points at the DOCTOR.
ALL gasp.
JENNY
What?!
JACK
Nothing (grins), ever thought of … y’know… having someone else join the gang?
JENNY
I don’t understand.
DONNA
She hasn’t gotten round to English yet… they learn that next year …
JENNY
Hey! I can to speak English! I can say really rude words!
DONNA
Does Daddy let you?
JENNY
No. He says it’s very bad to say bad words and if I do, the Bogeyman might come in my bedroom at night.
MARTHA
Now that is something to be scared about.
DONNA
Who asked you?!
MARTHA
K9 did, didn’t he? K9?
K9
Affirmative!
MARTHA
Good boy! And now your treat…
K9
Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative!
Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative! Affirmative!
JENNY
Ohh! That’s exactly what I do with the Doctor! Cool!
DONNA
Yuck.
JENNY
Just because you haven’t done it!
DONNA
Have so.
JENNY
Oh yeah? When?
DONNA
Why should I tell you? (glances at Rose, Rose blushes)
JENNY
Ew! That’s dis- atroci- terri- yuckening!
10.5 (to Rose)
How could you betray me like that?!
ROSE
Hey! It wassh in Turn Left… and we got a little bored… the camerashh take agessh to sshet up!
10.5
You were pretty fast setting the camera up in the bedroom!
DONNA
Do you love him more than me?! Rose – answer me, now!
(b/g) DALEKS
MARTHA! YOU SHALL BE EXTERMINATED! NAUGHTY NAUGHTY GIRL! HEE HEE HAR HAR!
ROSE
I… love…
DOCTOR
Oi! This show is meant to be about me! Not your shenanigans!
DONNA, ROSE, 10.5
Sorry.
DONNA (whispering to 10.5 and Rose)
When he’s kicked it, we go out, yeah?
DOCTOR
Oh no! I’m regenerating!
ROSE
Shhhtil?
DOCTOR
Hey! If it wasn’t for my… weapon… this episode would have been finished by now!
DONNA
You mean, it’s that big?
ROSE
Yeah! Don’t tell me you haven’t seen it?
MARTHA (all hot and flustered, zipping up her overused jacket)
I have!
DOCTOR (aghast)
When?!
MARTHA
Oh, right… yeah, erm… in The Shakespeare Code.
DOCTOR
But I never even went to sleep!
MARTHA
I drugged you and did more things than you could imagine… but let’s not get into that now.
DOCTOR
Ooh.
I mean – arghh! I’m regenerating!
DONNA
GET IT OVER WITH!
(FX: The Doctor regenerates into… Matt Smith)
ALL gasp.
JACK
Wo-ah Nelly!
DONNA
We’ll leave you to it.
ALL apart from JACK and the DOCTOR teleport away.
JACK is grinning.
JENNY
Oh no! We’ve had that already! It’s the end now!
MARTHA
Where did you come from?!
JENNY
I could ask you the same!
MARTHA
Oh, I… err… Wanna make out?
JENNY
Sure!
FIN.
